The Suicide Note

The Suicide Note

Dear soul,

If you are reading this it means that God has granted my last wish. You might not know who I am and I don’t know where you are but there is something I want to tell you. I am the past you've been cut off with, and this is my desperate attempt to reach you. Maybe I'm wrong, perhaps there wont be any distinction between you and me beyond the gates of death. But what if I'm left behind?

We were once inseparable. My body housed you in a planet called Earth for almost 22 years (Earth years). You might have no idea of what I am saying for I believe  all your memory had been left behind with my body the moment I died.  You were bound to continue your eternal journey. You (I) had a name – Vishnu Keloth and within moments after finishing this letter you were to start that journey. Yes, I have decided to end my life. This is my suicide note and God! I am writing it to my own soul for its too late to write it to any human.

Today December 21, 2012 and the Mayans were true. It has been officially confirmed that the world is going to end, something which we thought would never happen but in movies. Two major continents have already been torn up by earth quakes, tsunamis, and volcanic explosions. Right after the government aired the too late farewell message to all people, the power failed. It seems my government may have known everything beforehand. I am not disappointed or angry with the government. I have already forgiven everybody. Its 10 am, all communication facilities are down. Distant sounds of great explosions can be heard and the sky is slowly being darkened by fumes that seem to originate from infinity. The disaster is on its way, ready to strike anytime. I am completely alone. My parents are in another state. My calls wouldn’t get through. Perhaps my native state may have already fallen victim to the cataclysm.This place is supposed to be my temporary place of stay. Due to a series of misfortunes like train delay, strike, vehicle damage etc. I have eventually ended up in this rented apartment building.

At first, when the tragic news became official there was a lot of cries, mourns and chaos but within a few minutes everyone including myself were in Kodak moments - hugging strangers as if they were the best buddies. People accepted the fact and now it had turned into an environment filled with love. Places of worships are now being flocked by people, beggars being invited to homes, restaurants serving free etc. everything is purely selfless. Some people are cherishing their last moments while some are happily ending their lives. This is the day that is entirely different from any day the earth has witnessed. I thank God for giving us this uncertain precious time to realise ourselves and enable us to taste the purest form of selfless love unlike many unfortunate people.

If all earth days were like today then the noble peace prize would be meaningless. I guess ‘Could‘ve’ is the one phrase being wildly thought about now. We could’ve lived like this but we lived like robots programmed by desire. Those who have chosen to live wisely are the real successful ones. I could’ve used the time of my life to capture the wisdom from the holy books. It is the Message of God that humans are bound to realise through their life and all those who have done it up to how much ever they could would have felt more accomplished right now. We, the human race could’ve found a way to at least ensure the continuity of our species for we’ve already landed a probe on mars. Given about 20-30 years we could’ve colonized in to moon or other planet but we wasted a lot of precious time fighting world wars.

An unfulfilled wish of mine worth mentioning is that I’ve always craved to find my true love. I deeply regret for not asking out any of my crushes merely due to fear of rejection. I could’ve tried. I wonder if I’ll find my true love after death. Dear soul, are you in company of your loved one? You may have arrived where you are with over 7 billion souls which included that of my parents too but I am assuming neither you nor them were able to recognise each other provided the memories are gone. Try asking God to show them to you.  Another aspect where I found solace on this planet is FRIENDSHIP – just ask God to show you all the brothers/sisters that he planned to give me through other mothers( too much orders to God? I guess bringing this letter to you would be threshold of what he could do for me.)

As I write to you I am going through a tornado of emotions and doubts. What if you don’t exist? What if death is just like ‘SWITCHING-OFF’ and nothing beyond? What if heaven, hell, soul, afterlife or even God never existed and the cosmic manifestation is just a result of mere set of events that happen to coincide under probabilities of permutations and combinations? What if life is nothing beyond the biological conditions that favoured it to flourish? Did God really descend on to earth? Are the holy books His message? I am aware of the possibly true rumour that many holy books have been biased/edited by man in his will as he passed them to generations. Didn’t God do anything about it? What if the entire belief that man and holy books have held on regarding after life is all false? Gosh!! That would be an unbearable fact especially for those who suicide.

Every suicide is indeed an attempt to ‘escape’ to somewhere else with some form of continuity and I am not an exception to it. Yet this doubt of ending up in ‘Point Blank’ is giving me huge fears about suicide while the isolation that I am currently in and the fear of a horrible, uncertain, untimed but confirmed death is prompting me to suicide. This is one hell of a great dilemma that I have found myself in.  But I guess I’ve made up my mind else I wouldn’t be writing this further. I conclude though I could write pages about the life you lived in my (our) body. I bet you are pretty curious to know more but the truth is – none of what I’ve written would ever matter to you. Yet, I’ve written it to tell you the one valuable lesson this life was ever capable of teaching, perhaps the most basic lesson in God’s textbook -to LOVE selflessly.  

My sweet dear soul, always remember to do so, no matter where you are or whichever form of life you would take up next in whichever planet that God would be granting you the gift of life. In case you’re wondering how I look, I’ve stuck my photograph. And here is how I am going to suicide ( though it is of least importance and doesn’t deserve to be mentioned here) – I will be cutting my veins and jump out of the apartment balcony. This apartment – 'my last resort' that God/fate put me in is actually 22 storeys high and I am going to utilise its high altitude. Perhaps this would be how God would have wanted me to suicide.

With the last hope and wish that God will bring it to you.

Bye

Vishnu Keloth

The Reply  (From the Soul)

Hello Vishnu Keloth, owing to God’s greatness I happen to read your letter. Though you miserably failed God by choosing to end your life, He was kind enough to grant your bloody last wish.  He never expected you would suicide because you were really special to him. The very fact that I am writing this letter proves that afterlife, hell, heaven etc. exist and it is God himself who descended down to earth to spread his message among humans, His children. No man would ever be as wise and as spiritual to write the holy books himself but man did alter it over time with the illusion that he was greater than God. Devil persuaded man, ignorance and vice increased and thus it was God’s decision to bring about an end, conceive all the souls so as to purify them and send them back as man and woman to a purified earth thereby destroying all of Devil's effort.

He did purify the world each time He came down as prophets. The population of humans on the planet back then were very low compared to the 7 billion at the time you lived and so He united them under various religions (which is why all religions preach the same message and all mentions about afterlife in some form.)  Religion, according to God would unite humans there by countering CHAOS (The Devil reigns over chaos.) it was a better alternative than conceiving all souls. As religions grew, so did Satanic temptations which led people to love religion more than God. Vice, Hatred and Chaos began to prevail once again until it reached a period of breakdown. It was not that God was unaware of it. If so, no holy book would have mentioned about the end of the world. Purification of the world by descending down as God to create another religion would only cause more discrimination and therefore, He decided to end it all to start it all again. I assure you that every manifestation in the cosmic material universe is by the will of God and not anything like your probability theory though there is always the existence of Evil against him. You were however right about the loss of memory and yes, all souls who arise out of suicide are subjected to a penalty and so was I. (Wondering how I came to know all this? An imprisoned angel told me.)

The moment you died, I had no idea where I was or how I got there. The soul of a person who ended his life before you pointed to a body and said: “Looks like you came from him.” I turned around to see a corpse with bleeding wrists and pierced through the steel bars of the building entrance gate. Those gaping eyes were what I noticed first. “I saw you jump out from that apartment over there...” he said pointing to an apartment that was quite high.

I asked him who he was to which he said he hadn’t the slightest clue and that’s when I realised that I too had no idea about who I was.  A chilling shiver of the fear of the unknown passed through me. I met around 30 souls(suicide) completely lost and wondering what was happening. There were people everywhere with all sorts of emotions. We were invisible to them though we could hear them. They passed right through us and from their talks, cries, and prayers we came to understand the situation and the possible reason for our suicides. Our numbers were rising as fresh souls sprouted out of bodies every now and then.

We couldn’t wander off to anywhere we pleased. it was as though an invisible wall blocked us from going beyond a certain distance. We were stuck. We wondered with great sorrow if this was the situation to be in after death, to be caged at the place of death for an eternity? We waited for the disaster to strike hoping that it would bring a change to our situation or at least bring in all the people to our side. The situation was quite similar to the ‘Point Blank’ you mentioned. (Obviously I had no idea about that term until I came across it in your letter.)

About an hour later, nature’s fury began to strike. It couldn’t harm us anymore but we were the witness to it. First, a huge earth quake shattered everything into crumbs with a chorus of screams and cracking sounds. Vision was being blocked by dust and smoke and then at a fair distance, a massive volcano erupted(or perhaps it was a ball of fire). All noise seemed to reside under its blast and everything went pitch black due to tons of ash. I couldn’t see anything; screams of people were being heard from a distance. I called out to other souls but no one responded. Everything slowly settled down to a deathly silence but it was still darker than dark. I kept on calling others but nothing happened for all I heard was my own echo. Then slowly with time (months I suppose) the sunlight began to sneak through to show the post-apocalyptic world. A sight that will remain forever in me – a chaotic layout of debris and ash. There were no bodies – perhaps melted down or buried deep in the ash. No human would have survived such a fate. I wondered where all their souls were. I tried to wander away but the ‘wall’ seemed to be intact, unaffected. I was worried and puzzled for I didn’t understand why I was the only one left behind? Was I forgotten?

I wandered through the same place, desperate and hoping for something to happen. That’s when I discovered the one thing I now wish I never discover. The building from which I jumped out shattered down like glass but there was this single apartment that remained relatively intact. It happened to land safely on the debris. Sandwiched by debris of another building as well.  It was in a protected circumstance. Safe and the only structure that wasn’t buried, or ripped apart. It was certain that any person who was lucky enough to choose to stay in this apartment would have survived. I ventured inside to find that all the commodities inside it were a bit shaken/displaced but undamaged. There was a mirror with a crack and which reflected everything but me. Taped on to the table was a note with the portrait of the person who wrote it stuck on it. At first I didn’t recognize but it was terrifying to realise that the eyes of the person was strikingly similar to the dead gaping eyes of the person from whom I came. A surge of guilt passed through me. I would have killed myself again if I could. I could have survived it all. For months circled around with remorse and frustration; cursing myself a million times. But one day the unexpected happened. She arrived…

I couldn’t believe it when I saw her coming. Clothed, and therefore not a soul. A blissful happiness came to me for life has survived after all. It was the ray of hope for a new beginning. She was young and beautiful. In her face I saw loneliness but no sign of fear. She was determined to fight to survive. If I had a bit of the courage she had, I would’ve survived as well. All my screams or attempts to establish contact with her were in vain. She was trying to survive, perhaps scavenging from place to place for the means to do so. She was surprised as well when she spotted my secure apartment. Expressions of relief in her as she found my undisturbed belonging. She replaced her torn backpack with mine. She saw my suicide note and said: “Coward asshole, he could’ve easily survived.”

She used to wander off to far off places by day and return before dark. The skies were getting progressively clear though there were no seasons, clouds, rain.  I saw her calculate the date, it was 2018. My calculations were nowhere near her or perhaps, time went slow for souls. I enjoyed watching her. She had this deep desire of meeting somebody. After staying for about 8 months she left one day, with her bag packed and never returned. Perhaps she found a better spot. I really wished she met another human. I couldn’t stop her no matter what. She took with her your photograph which you stuck on to your suicide note.

With her departure my life (after life) turned back to isolation but I had something to counter the guilt that your letter gave me – her! I cherished the time she stayed, over and over again, wondered how heaven would be. I hoped deep within that she or some other human or at least another soul might return but none of that ever happened again. I continued to haunt the very place you put me in to for so long that I lost track of time. I strayed for decades of nothingness; when one day an extremely bright white light appeared for some moments and vanished.

I found myself at a different place. I had finally reached the eternal world. I wanted to ask God why he left me behind for all this time. But, to my horror it was the Devil that welcomed me with eyes that seem to disappear into his dark-red face. He appeared happy to see me. It seemed He was eagerly waiting for me. He said I was so special to him which was why He came to receive me Himself after waiting  44 earth years(2056) since the earth apocalypse. He said he was grateful to me and also mentioned that I' be imprisoned with angels an not with the 7 billion.

He lost his temper the moment I asked him about my parents and the brothers and sisters that God had given to me through other mothers. Perhaps because I mentioned 'God'. I dared not to ask further about my late summoning, about God, about what happened, if I would be sent to heaven or not, about the girl left behind on earth, about the future etc. All those questions dwelled in me all this time and yet I couldn’t ask. He never showed me anyone.  I was put with an angel whose wings were slashed and she was the one who told me all.

After I came to know everything, Dear Vishnu Keloth – you are the one person I despise the most. I wish I wasn’t born in  with your body. I know you love me but I hate you for what you did. I wish I had known nothing at all. You were the person that God chose to ensure the continuity of humans. You were the one person out of 7 billion people on earth who shouldn’t have died. You were destined to live until 2056. It is the punishment for all souls (who chooses to end their lives against Gods decision) to remain at the place of their death till the time they were really meant to did. It was Gods calculated move that led you to the place which you considered to be you last resort so that you would remain safe for it was the 1 out of the 2 places on earth that would remain untouched by apocalypse. The other place was meant for HER. The only other human to survive. She was brave ENOUGH. She was the true love that you always wished for and was chosen by God for you. Well, at least she has your photograph now.

Together, both of you were destined to restart the human civilisation but thanks to your decision, she still roam earth unto death. You could’ve received the first hand, unbiased, unaltered information of the holy books from the very hands of God to pass on the upcoming human generations. You ruined it all. Apocalypse was also a war between God and Devil. God was fighting to protect you and the Devil was fighting to get you killed so that the end of race of the ‘children of God’ would enable the Devil to conquer Earth. And bloody..you...just made it all the more easier for the Devil.

7 billion souls including that of you parents and friends are suffering in hell merely because of a fault that’s solely yours. He now plans to deploy me into a life where I will promote vice as a saint of Satan. You true love will be the slave of the demons. She was meant to stay with you for ever in earth and heaven. You betrayed God’s trust which He bestowed upon you.  The Devil is punishing me by not punishing me for a sin you committed but punishing the 7 billion innocent souls who have no idea what they’ve done to receive such a fate.

You wrote a letter to yourself but it eventually reached me an this is my reply. I know it will never reach you coz by now you are a decomposed off corpse at 'dead earth' in the interstellar space.

With the last hope and prayer that God will return to save us.

Bye

[To be continued....elsewhere]

This post is part of the contest A letter to yourself.. on WriteUpCafe.com