There is a beautiful song from the band quite familiar to most of you – NICKELBACK. The songs name is ‘Just to get high’(song attached at the bottom of this post.) and it echoed in my mind when I heard that there were plans to ‘drink’ during the class tour. Though it’s a term actually related with drugs I’d simply use it here with reference to alchohol. ‘This is a work of fiction, resemblance to any person, living or dead is purely coincidental.’
This is the story of how I lost my virginity to alcohol. While reading this the professional alcohol consumers out there may think – ‘Yuk, loser, he has already started it so late and now has writing about it? Jobless fellow…’ so I believe this story is actually intended for the armature, beginners and non alcohol consumers.
Let me take you back to the few days prior to the beginning of the S3 class tour, tour fee was paid and the formal processes were going on in its way. The anticipation was really high as it is a tour that has already been postponed once or twice. We all somehow wanted the big day to come and I bet that none of us were actually paying any attention to the classes 2 days before the tour (and many days worth of classes after the tour).
Fast forward to day 1, (night time) after a long journey we reached the hotel for the night. The boys chose a common dormitory – 2 big rooms with a lot of beds. How did we divide the 2 rooms among us? Simple, a loud command by an armature “those who drink stay in this room and the rest shall take the other room!!” Many guys went to the ‘other room’. Most of my close friends were among them but here I’d like to call them – ‘the others’. I saw their faces as they looked at me while leaving to the other room. There were multiple expressions, some of them were – “Vishnu, r u sure u want to try this?”, “I too want to try it out man, but it’s bad. I might get addicted to It.”; “tell me what it’s like man...” etc. I could easily read their minds because so for all my life I always pretended to be one of them, I simply used to reject the offers made to me but not this time, I didn’t feel guilty or ashamed, I was rather curious and felt adventurous. There is now way I was going to back out. In fact I considered it a research/experiment to get the true answer to many of my queries related to it. (I had asked many armatures and professionals but never got an answer that convinced me, this is something which I had to find out myself.) Some of those doubts (for your information) were:-
1. Will getting high be like Baiju (the sensational artist who became popular exclusively because of his ability to act like a drunkard.)? I wanted to know if he was overacting.
2. Will we have any memory of the time?
3. Does it really boost our courage, confidence and fearlessness?
4. They say red bull is alcoholic, if yes how much could it contain? (Quantitative analysis between red bull and alcohol.)
5. How is it different from fagging? And finally,
6. Will it have any effect on the urges that I feel being teenager as long as it is in my system?
That was the most important question. If this entire effort were called ‘chandrayan’ then the positive answer to this question would be ‘The moon has water!!’ I would never go for it again if it hampered my burning desire to provide my parents with their grandchildren. But what if it enhanced it? Will my reproductive system work normally as I get (to) ‘high’ altitudes and close to the moon where gravity is less?
Irrespective of the discriminating rooms we all got together, sang, played and had loads of fun. The
Best time of Btech so far. Even the sir joined us for a brief period. Finally the time came when the probability if sir coming back was less than 1%. We started off by fagging different cigars, I was a bit surprised to know that the secret package contained cigarettes. Secret package is the term used to denote the money which I along with most of the class paid (apart from tour fees) especially to meet the liquor expenses. It’s worth mentioning here that many of ‘the others’ too have contributed to it even though they knew they weren’t going to participate so that we wouldn’t come up with any shortage difficulties. Now that’s the height of friendship I’ve seen here. Thank you guys.
I fagged, choked a bit but then got used. Forward some more time and slowly the the pros gathered and sat on the balcony floor. I went forward to sit with them. They welcomed me as if I were some celebrity. All I could was wear a helpless smile. And then came a big surprise, I was not the only beginner (strange I didn’t know it all this time) I felt confident, at least a guy to share the blame and pleasure. He, like me never got high before and had only tasted it for namesake before (beer being an exception). Some of the others were watching over the process as if it were some ritual (scary cats). Then the unexpected happened, flashes from cameras. The pros were taking a lot of shots with the bottle in all postures as if the bottle was a new born baby. I was afraid; someone whispered within me that the evidence for all the actions I were doing is being created. (See, somewhere in my mind I still considered is something bad). All the cameras felt like hidden/spy cams. I tried not to appear in most photographs.
I watched one of the pros as he poured that brown thing on to a glass, diluted and handed it over to me with some grapes and he told me those historic words(in Malayalam)” everyone whom I’ve poured them with their first drink turned out to become famous drinkers, may the same happen with you. Here, finish it in one sip!”
It may be a dialogue in some Malayalam movie which I’ve heard before but it did really create an impact on me. I felt as if it was a milestone in my life. Now this guy has become a person who is more than a classmate to me, he is the one who handed to me my first glass of whiskey. I am never going to forget you man. I gulped it down and immediately took some grapes. All eyes were on me for a moment. Then everybody went back to serving and helping each other. A guy asked me how it went. (I think it was the other beginner I don’t remember exactly.) I said nothing but smiled. (How did it go? Simba: “slimy yet satisfying.”)I took two more pegs and waited to get the so called ‘kick’ but nothing happened so far except for a slight burning sensation in my stomach. I began to get worried because for me it was a ‘now or never’ situation. This is the best opportunity and it wouldn’t come again in the near future so I decided to go for the 4th peg and a guy warned me that it was too fast and maybe too much for a beginner but I went for it.
I decided to walk around rather than just sitting in one position. I tool around 10 to 15 steps, going here and there and talking with the others. I slowly started to get a feeling of everything around me moving fast. I was using more effort to stand and walk. I could feel my joints weak. I could sense that many were keenly watching me (especially the others). I tried to act normal but finally I had to surrender, the combined affect all the 4 shot to my brain. I began walking like dancing and slowly out of nowhere I had a feeling of vomiting but I thought to myself that if I puke it out then maybe the effect would go. Now that is something which I wouldn’t do after coming this far but eventually I reached a point of uncontrollability and I dashed to the bathroom.
Kneeling down in front of the closet I brought out my first legendary sword. I had lost all my energy and I was resting my head and arms on the rim of that bloody thing. I felt relieved as if I were on my mother’s lap as a child feeling safe and secure. It’s been a very long time since. That was a moment when I truly missed my mommy. Our ego grows with us. When was the last time I happily held a girls hand without any complex? Why do we grow up I don’t know but I found out one thing, drinking reduces our ego and makes us feel young. I could feel my mother’s hands move through my hair but it was actually the hand of a classmate trying to wake me (but I weren’t sleeping, getting high means reaching a position between being awake and asleep.) he stood me up, poured a few mugs of water on my head and wiped my hair dry with a towel while one of ‘the others’ was holding me firmly. I told that I would do it myself but they didn’t allow me to. I felt so close and grateful to them by a million times than I’d normally feel. As if they’ve saved my life or something. That’s what it actually does to you, it brings you in a state of mixed emotions (mostly sentimental) and makes you feel like you r really attached to the persons around you, even if they were strangers which eventually brings in us some sort of confidence and fearlessness. The fact to be happy about is that those feelings are real and not some real life illusions as one may think it is.
The joy one feels in that situation is purely unselfish. The happiness of fulfillment where all your greed/wished disappear. You really begin to sense the waves of love all around you. That is exactly the attitude of great souls and noble men but I’m a person who has loads of responsibilities as a son, student, friend etc. all I did was somehow manage to erase it with this heavenly liquid. I began to (it made me to) reevaluate my true position in life. Seeing everybody immersed in the pool of friendship I completely felt accomplished. Wait!! But what has actually changed? Nothing! I’ve always been this way, surrounded by friends, relatives, parents etc. it is a fact that I never realized until now. Thanks to this high ph liquid that has stripped me off my false ego and selfishness. Our desire for material possessions is the main cause of our sorrows. Seriously, what have you got to lose except your soul?
I decided to walk around rather than just sitting in one position. I tool around 10 to 15 steps, going here and there and talking with the others. I slowly started to get a feeling of everything around me moving fast. I was using more effort to stand and walk. I could feel my joints weak. I could sense that many were keenly watching me (especially the others). I tried to act normal but finally I had to surrender, the combined affect all the 4 shot to my brain. I began walking like dancing and slowly out of nowhere I had a feeling of vomiting but I thought to myself that if I puke it out then maybe the effect would go. Now that is something which I wouldn’t do after coming this far but eventually I reached a point of uncontrollability and I dashed to the bathroom.
Kneeling down in front of the closet I brought out my first legendary sword. I had lost all my energy and I was resting my head and arms on the rim of that bloody thing. I felt relieved as if I were on my mother’s lap as a child feeling safe and secure. It’s been a very long time since. That was a moment when I truly missed my mommy. Our ego grows with us. When was the last time I happily held a girls hand without any complex? Why do we grow up I don’t know but I found out one thing, drinking reduces our ego and makes us feel young. I could feel my mother’s hands move through my hair but it was actually the hand of a classmate trying to wake me (but I weren’t sleeping, getting high means reaching a position between being awake and asleep.) he stood me up, poured a few mugs of water on my head and wiped my hair dry with a towel while one of ‘the others’ was holding me firmly. I told that I would do it myself but they didn’t allow me to. I felt so close and grateful to them by a million times than I’d normally feel. As if they’ve saved my life or something. That’s what it actually does to you, it brings you in a state of mixed emotions (mostly sentimental) and makes you feel like you r really attached to the persons around you, even if they were strangers which eventually brings in us some sort of confidence and fearlessness. The fact to be happy about is that those feelings are real and not some real life illusions as one may think it is.
The joy one feels in that situation is purely unselfish. The happiness of fulfillment where all your greed/wished disappear. You really begin to sense the waves of love all around you. That is exactly the attitude of great souls and noble men but I’m a person who has loads of responsibilities as a son, student, friend etc. all I did was somehow manage to erase it with this heavenly liquid. I began to (it made me to) reevaluate my true position in life. Seeing everybody immersed in the pool of friendship I completely felt accomplished. Wait!! But what has actually changed? Nothing! I’ve always been this way, surrounded by friends, relatives, parents etc. it is a fact that I never realized until now. Thanks to this high ph liquid that has stripped me off my false ego and selfishness. Our desire for material possessions is the main cause of our sorrows. Seriously, what have you got to lose except your soul?
The kick didn’t go with the puke, only difference is that I felt much relieved. I walked around here and there talking shit (which I really enjoyed). I went up to my old room mate who is like the leader of ‘the others’ and asked him not to tell about it to my parents coz I will do that myself coz this was really a great experience.
One guy comes up to me and said,”Hey Keloth, let ‘her’ go to hell!”[Long story short: the ‘her’ referred here is my ‘Crush in The Class’ or CITC. Yep most of the people in the class knew about it and had decided to mock we with it till the world ends. She may be committed somebody but I do agree at some point due to my extra ordinary, abnormal behavior in her presence she must have either realized my feelings towards her or thought that I were a psycho. Whatever the case, it seems she barely knew that I existed. (Remember that dialogue?). I was kind of looking forward to this tour as a means to impress her somehow.]
He may be mocking me with those words but at that moment I felt he was my brother from another mother. I kept my arms on his shoulder and told him the same with full sorrow. I felt like breaking into tears and it was a time I really wished I did but I didn’t (may be because it was just a crush and not any true feelings of love). It was meant to be a very depressing situation, but I wasn’t actually depressed. This thing helps us to find happiness out of sorrow. I guess that’s why depressed people drink. I don’t know how to explain, in that situation, I was happy to be sad and getting someone around to share it with would make me sadder and hence happier. Got it? It’s like I am a third person who enjoys tragic movies. I am watching the sad parts in the movie of my life and finding pleasure in that while the ‘me’ in the movie is completely aware of the sadist movie addict ‘me’ and vice versa.
What if the other ‘me’ could physically control the real me? Now that’s a scary thought that occurred to me while writing this. That would result in a multiple personality disorder right? Hmm guess movies like Annyan, Shutter Island, and Fight Club etc. could all be a possible, when ones inner self takes control of the body. In that context drinking could actually allow researchers so study more about multiple personality and experience it for themselves. In my case, my inner mind consists of all my wishes, revenge, hatred, sickness, guilt, desire to change etc. I could be a very dangerous person. Sounds cool right? Think about it.
What if the other ‘me’ could physically control the real me? Now that’s a scary thought that occurred to me while writing this. That would result in a multiple personality disorder right? Hmm guess movies like Annyan, Shutter Island, and Fight Club etc. could all be a possible, when ones inner self takes control of the body. In that context drinking could actually allow researchers so study more about multiple personality and experience it for themselves. In my case, my inner mind consists of all my wishes, revenge, hatred, sickness, guilt, desire to change etc. I could be a very dangerous person. Sounds cool right? Think about it.
I felt pity for myself, receiving all this love from everywhere and yet I am sad for this particular female human specimen. That’s a sin! I slnailed around talking anything that popped up in me. (Like jokes, romance tutorial, true friendship, laws of nature, origin of universe etc). Laid on the floor, stairs, road, fearlessly showing up in all photographs that were taken. I was finding it hard to balance but I had utmost enjoyment. All that time there was this one ‘other guy’ with me. Making sure I went up and down the stairs safe, moving me from the road while some late night trucks came… he was there with me till I slept, watching over me like a father who would watch his child learn to walk, ready to catch while going to fall, like a mama bird who would teach her children to fly for the first time. He didn’t have to waste his precious tour time with me, he could have gone and had loads of fun with the other ‘other guys’, yet he was there… from the time he held me firmly while I was being washed. A friend in need is a friend indeed right? I thank God! After 20+ years of my existence in this bloody planet He has finally shown me the pure truth of relationships which I had taken for granted, using a liquid which everyone describes as evil. Before going to bed that night (dawn) I hugged my first drink supplier tight and yelled out ‘U ARE MY GOD’. For without him I wouldn’t have realized any of it. I went to bed but still talking and at some point I dozed off.
I woke up next morning to see everyone getting ready for the rest of the tour. I felt a bit drowsy. The first thing I said to myself was: “I guess I had a good time last night.” While in the shower, thinking about it made me smile many times. I decided to write about it before I forget most parts of it. Yes, I got the answers to my doubts however most of them can’t be answered precisely as it depended on the quantity consumed but I was unsuccessful in reaching a conclusion to my most important question. Looks like I may have been close but didn’t make it to the moon.
I had experienced a headache in the aftermath but that didn’t seem to hamper my level of enjoyment. I was not at all concerned about ‘her’ and wholeheartedly enjoyed the rest of the tour with my precious friends. They say alcohol ruins your life but in kinda fixed mine, made me strong and less inclined to girls. I knew a guy who also had a crush on the same girl. I saw him as an enemy. Considered him as ‘a pain in the ass’ and my blood pressure rose when he was in her company. It was not until I got drunk high and came back to my senses that I realized the fact that we had same interests, same passion and same level of ego (which is why we liked the same girl). He could possibly be a very close friend of mine and it turned out to be true, he is now a close friend of mine. If I hadn’t taken those four pegs I would have lost a close friend and end up watching ‘her’ get married to some lucky guy. She was the river between our friendship and the whiskey was the bridge. Recently he told me he was eying at a chick of the junior branch and asked if I knew or could get her name. When he showed her to me it was history repeating itself. That was the same girl whom I was looking forward to and realizing that we had done it again was a best part of our friendship. The worst mistake anyone can do is to fight a friend aver a mere attraction to a person of the opposite sex.
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